The day hasn't dawned yet, and I'm growing in doubt that it ever will. The 'salvation' I've been looking to replace since the innocence of knowing that when I die I will be with Jesus has failed. I am 26. It's been 8 years or so. It's over. New part, new phrase.

Drugs.
Music.
Fucking.
Being angry, being alone.

Addictions. hopeless, but addictions. i am here. i know, Eckhart, I know. Be here, everything else is a distracting concept that robs you of the freedom. I wish I could focus more.

battle for truth like you battle for air.

enough.

Music. Meyoo-zeek. Moo-sic. What does this word mean.

Just returned from another busy Friday night -- this time interviewing Niskerone & Natalia, SFR, Hyphen and attending a dismal end at the Mercury -- and I'm exhausted. Kinda tipsy, but feeling clear. Feeling a little zombified by self-loathing, but that's normal huh. Moments of tonight...

* seeing natalia and wondering if i'd ever be good enough
* dancing to D&B and forgetting
* "well done, john" in the car on the way back from the interview. no glamour in this industry.
* feeling that deep-seated resolve to get friends with everyone and then turn around with "hey, i'm a musician too." until then, frustration at hearing others and their adventures. but whatever. i have all the success i need just knowing who i am.
* blaise at mercury pays no attention to me. if i had a future camera, i'd have stayed at home.
* home and dry.

so the usual, boot up because this little dell is my best friend, after all. i feel the need to concentrate on something. i am incredible. i am an amazing person, and i wish that i could walk into a bar and everyone would fall at my feet and offer me sex. i wish for these things, but i'm not worth it, am i? i'm a sensitive boy with a big fuckin act that helps me get through. curses, you fool. just be.

just be. i guess it's good enough. i could care less. a lot less. i love music more than myself. it's why i'm here. production, performance, publicity, promotion and progression of music.

My name is John Bartmann. I am a 26-year-old white South African man with two living parents, an older brother and an older sister. I work in the music industry, connecting bands with fans and vice versa through Overtone.co.za, the music editorial blog I edit.

Every evening for the past month or so, I've been working on attracting the money we need to stay afloat during the day, and returning to my room alone to make music by night.

I have not exercised in weeks. I have no money to join the others on their Monday night outings to Jamaica Me Crazy, and I've alienated myself from everyone except my workmates.

I drink around 6 coffees a day, and I have no girlfriend. I amuse myself through late nights making music and jamming with others as often as possible. I know loads of people who enjoy making music, and I connect with them as often as possible.

My pet hate is sitting around a table socialising, especially in a public place or for some or other social event (eg, birthday, mothers day, etc).

I have no religion, and I consider myself free of any attachments. There is nothing in my life that I could not drop and walk away from in 30 minutes.

The reason I am alive is to create music and film and whatever else pleases the senses, for the amusement of my own eyes and ears. That's why I am here.

Physically exhausted today, and operating on autopilot. This, after a 9am start, around 12 hours sleep, and an empty office. All these loops ringing between my ears:

"master reality"
"women are the devil and you will be lonely"
"get to work"
"you're lazy"
"be anxious about these meetings"
"you are a champion"
"you should never have left sharyn"
"you should have left sharyn earlier"
"you have no money"
"your teeth are falling apart"
"you must spend more time making music or you'll fail"
"you don't know how to make music"
"your housemates are the worst friends ever"
"run away"
"face your fears"
"exercise"

...etc. and so on, and so forth.

it's more irritating than anything else, and I'm a bit to tired to pay any attention to them. i just wanna get on with my day and create a revenue stream that i can use to employ people to do my job. that's where I'm at now. meetings tomorrow -- on my mind -- busy day today. it's gonna be a coffee stinker. i gonna surf again soon. and take a morning swim in the Long St baths.

I am here, now.
I am ok.
I am hungry for more.
I am sensible enough to balance my life.
I have hatred for nobody or nothing.
I am neither a champion nor a loser. I am this.
I am a hard worker.

1. Sleeping Baby 1
2. Sunken Lounge
3. Mozambique
4. Sunday Mood
5. Umlungu
6. Somewhere Nice

just did a few basic sketches in a comic book style, pencil. it's about when john bartmann discovers pravda23 and receives the email in his computer inbox. digitized red lines in the eye.



when i make a mistake, i reach for CTRL+Z. uh-uh, boyfriend.

also, had a bit of a goodbye with cuth today. she lacked the courage to say whatever she wanted to say, so i left and got a drama sms and now, well, you know how it goes.

otherwise, everything cool. mailing off SAMRO forms on monday. hooking up with nic tomorrow for more pravda23/twinstar stuff. let's see how it goes.

no sin
no crime
only consequence

It's not worth it. Everything I am doing I am doing to the best of my abilities. There is no need to perceive a lack. Overtone is flying ahead, regardless of how much money and recognition we're earning. I have found my home. There is no need to ever report to a boss ever again, and I have the creative freedom to write what I like.

There is no need to worry about anything ever again. Everything is exactly as I wish it to be. There is no lack. There is nothing 'missing'.

Ok? :)